Anna Nicole Smith Bombshell: Pretty Much Everything You Suspected Is True

TMZ.com has scored a major find in the Anna Nicole Smith three-ring tragedy circus: A sworn declaration by a woman named Laurie Payne, who befriended Smith in 2005 in the Florida Keys when they were introduced through a common acquaintance, Smith's friend-with-benefits G. Ben Thompson, a real estate developer from South Carolina. The declaration contains several bombshell revelations, among them that Larry Birkhead is indeed the father of Dannielynn, and that Payne had witnessed Smith take "a rather high dose" of Xanax, in addition to having herself "personally administered" Anna Nicole pills from a bottle unsubtly marked "Methadone" during the pregnancy. An e-mail allegedly sent from Smith to Payne also came attached to the declaration:

In an e-mail Smith sent to Payne, which is attached to Payne's declaration, Anna Nicole seems to say she had sex a total of three times with only two people during the time of conception: "well one of two people once in dec and twice in jan............you do the math but I hear someone cant do what has been done." TMZ has confirmed Thompson told Anna Nicole last May that he couldn't be the father because he had a vasectomy, thus the comment, "someone cant do what has been done."

As for Howard K. Stern, Smith's lawyer who is listed as the baby's father on her birth certificate, Payne says Anna Nicole Smith herself said he wasn't the father. Payne says in her declaration: "I asked her why she did not just go into a relationship with Stern, to which (Anna Nicole) responded, 'EWWW...GROSS!!! No way!! I would never!'"

According to the declaration, during Christmas, 2005, Stern began to tease Anna Nicole's son Daniel "about being a 19-year-old virgin." Payne says, "....Daniel looked at Stern and stated, 'I don't know why you're worried about me, you've been around my mother for 12 years and haven't had any p*ssy either."

Still with us? Then you might also be interested in knowing that Stern--whom we can only assume still isn't getting any, no matter what his fake marriage certificate says--sent an e-mail to Entertainment Tonight explaining that Smith was rushed to the hospital Monday for a partially collapsed lung due to pneumonia, that G. Ben "Tubes-Tied" Thompson is attempting to evict her from the Bahamian "prison" he helped her buy, and that Cyril Wecht, the private pathologist hired to do a second autopsy on Daniel, has confirmed that three more drugs were actually found in his system when he died--the antidepressant Amitriptyline, and two non-prescription cold medicines--though he maintains that it was still the cocktail of methadone, Lexapro, and Zoloft that ultimately did him in. We'll give you a moment to let all that sink in, along with your encroaching intuition that that whole baby-hair-dyeing scenario probably unfolded exactly as Birkhead described it.

• Anna Nicole's True Baby Daddy; Drug Use Alleged [TMZ.com]
• More Drugs Found In Daniel Smith's System [People.com]
• Anna Nicole Smith's lung collapsed: lover [news.ninemsn.com.au]